Archive for June, 2012


Where Have All the Action Stars Gone? – A Rant by Alex

Filed under: Action Jackson — 2 Comments
June 28, 2012

So The Expendables 2 comes out in theatres soon, August 17th to be exact.  I couldn’t help think about that great cast of action stars, and how much fun I had watching their movies, both good and not so much, as a kid/teen in the 80′s and 90′s.  While the majority of those guys haven’t done much in the last decade, due to political obligations or senility, it just brings back such great memories of those late nights when my friends and I would crowd in front of our VHS collections and argue about if The Terminator would win in a fight against Dutch from Predator.. and about action movies in general.  I feel bad for those guys in their early twenties and those poor bastard teens of today who might not know what a real action movie is.  All they get is some poorly written crap, full of CGI with some WWE or MMA asshat, and while said asshat could crush my skull with their biceps, they are totally interchangeable with no acting talent and their movies will be quickly forgotten. Sorry 17 year-old kid, but Channing Tatum can’t hold a candle to Stallone.  Gurald Butler? Insert a random Chuck Norris joke here about Butler getting his ass kicked. And Jason Statham… I love you man, and I know you are in this flick, but you don’t have to do every movie role they offer you.  Almost every movie you are in is the same: some poor defenseless person is in trouble… strange hero to the rescue.  You must be in some Nic Cage-like tax trouble!  Hit me up, we can find you a credit counsellor; you’re not in this alone, I can help, mate.  Who else? Matt Damon in the Bourne movies? He kicked a lot of ass, but no one in real life would ever be scared of Matt Damon; sorry buddy, you are about as intimidating as Chef Boyardee.

So, being the helpful movie fan that I am, I’m going to list a few movies from the stars of The Expendables 2 for you hapless souls out there, so maybe you can appreciate some real action movies from my past. These movie are in no way all of the best ones, just ones I think most guys would like, and are just my opinions. If you think Taylor Lautner is a big action star, that’s fine; now go feel free to play in traffic. -

Sylvester Stallone – I love: Rambo First Blood Part 2, I like: Tango & Cash, I forgive you for: Judge Dredd

Bruce Willis - I love: Die Hard, I like: The Last Boyscout, I forgive you for: Armageddon

Dolph Lundgren - I love: Rocky IV, I like: Universal Soldiers, I forgive you for: Masters of the Universe

Chuck Norris - I love: Delta Force, I like: Missing in Action, I forgive you for: Those Total Gym infomercials

Jean-Claude Van Damme - I love: Bloodsport/ JCVD, I like: Kickboxer, I forgive you for: Street Fighter (just barely)

and…

Arnold Schwarzenegger – I love: Commando, I like: True Lies, I forgive you for: Eraser

Good times. Good Times.  Hopefully Hollywood can get back into making memorable action movies, that don’t involve super heroes or monsters, in the future. It seems like it’s a lost art, but at least I have the movies from my childhood that, to me, have stood the test of time. – Alex

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Your Daily Horrorscope

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June 25, 2012

976-EVIL (1988)

The 1980’s were a tough time to grow up being a total spaz.  Hoax is growing up in the way cooler shadow of his bad-ass biker cousin, Spike. Hoax is a dweeb who is bullied by everyone from the feathered hair, crank snorting punks at school, to his Jesus freak mother.  He spends his time alone trying to be besties with is cuz while Spike gambles away his inheritance and bangs Madonna wanna-bes.  While reading a hot rod magazine, an insert falls out for 976-EVIL, a phone line where you can get your daily ‘horrorscope’. To Spike’s surprise, it tells him exactly what he wants to hear.  This goes on for a while and he is on top of the dirt bag world.  Hoax finds the card at Spike’s while stealing his girlfriend’s undies.  He dials the number and it tells him that that girl should be his.

After a somewhat successful date, the bullies catch up with them and embarrass Hoax and show the chick her panties that she gave to some other dude earlier in the night.  Hoax takes off crying and goes home and calls the number, which tells him that he can get even with the everyone if he just does a simple ritual, which will unknowing turn him into a demon.  He does the little spell, which kills the girl, and begins turning him into a lizard monster.  As the guys at school try to mess with him, he scratches them up with his new claws as they retreat.  Meanwhile some detective is looking into the 976-EVIL number and finds that it is a line at some trashy phone sex place, but it has been disconnected for months.

Hoax has lost all sense of his humanity, and had murdered his mother and let her cats have a feast on her guts.  Spike, the detective and his guidance councilor (?) try to bring Hoax back as he opens fissures to hell in his living room, but it isn’t going well.  They are forced to knock Hoax down one of the holes in order to save themselves.

Alex’s Thoughts: This movie is full-on 80’s horror cheesy.  These types of movies were spit out by the dozens back then, and few of them were any good.  This is not one of those good ones.  You don’t sit there hating it the whole time, but when it’s done, you’re like “man, that was shit.”  Right away you wish everyone would die, so you can maybe get a cast with some talent, but that doesn’t happen.  The guy who plays Hoax was great in Fright Night, but there is too much of him here.  If you happen to like his acting chops, maybe you can look into his recent work… in the hardcore gay porn business. You can catch him in such family favorites as Latin Crotch Rockets, Butt Blazer or my mom’s favorite Mechanics Bi Day, Lube Job Bi Night.  It might be an alright movie for a horror marathon, but as a stand alone movie it is pretty bad.  Alex Rates This Movie 3/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Save this one for a beer fueled night with your friends, because as a stand alone, it’s pretty rough. I saw this as a kid, and other than the box cover (for some reason they always stick with me) this  movie is pretty forgettable. Unless you are looking for a laugh, or want to punish yourself with sub-par horror, skip it. Tim Rates This Movie:3/10

View the IMDB entry for this movie here, or add it to your Netflix queue

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A Nice Weekend Getaway…

Filed under: Author's Favorite, Horror Hound, Movie Reviews — 1 Comment
June 21, 2012

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

We know we don’t usually do new theatrical releases, but since we both loved this movie and the trailers didn’t really give you too much information about the flick; we decided maybe we could switch it up a bit.  We do this blog so maybe some of you fine readers out there might find something that you like, and normally otherwise wouldn’t see.  This one fits the bill; the trailer makes it look like just your standard slasher-in-the-woods-teenage-slaughter-fest. It is anything but…

Below are some spoilers, but not all of them… read at your own risk.

A group of five college kids set off on a weekend away from school at one of their cousin’s secluded cabins, which is in the woods, which gives us the movie title. Now that we have that out of the way, we also realize that people are tracking the group’s movement. Who would do that? Well we’ll tell you. It is a group of scientists who have pre-selected this group to make the trip the THEIR cabin (in the woods).  A group is selected to visit this place every year, and other places like it around the world, for the express purpose of being sacrified to a higher power.  Everything they are doing on their trip has been designed and manipulated by these scientists and technicians who are in a bunker under the cabin. Their job is to ensure that, through the kid’s own free will, they meet an untimely demise.  How do they do that you ask? Well… after the kids party for a while and select pheromones are pumped into the cabin, the hatch to the basement pops open. Of course it is up to the kids if they will go down there (here is where the free will comes into play), but they always do. No drunk college kid can resist a spooky cellar.

Down in the cellar are piles and piles of old junk, but not just any old junk.  Each one is a key to unlocking an evil that will bring about their death.  Depending on which object they focus on, the result will summon some sort of monster that the scientist will release into the woods to kill them.  This is the most fun that these guys holed up underground have all night, betting on what creature will be released. (If you watch the movie, be sure to check out the white board with the bets for all of the available monsters, many of them are really funny.)  This year’s group happens upon an old diary from a girl who supposedly used to live in the cabin, whose patriarch enjoyed to torture his own children. The reading of this book unleashes a family of redneck zombies to kill our poor group.  And that they do, taking out most of the crew. It isn’t until we are down to our last survivor that the tempo changes.  She isn’t the last one after all, one of the boys was thought dead, but escaped.  They find an elevator in the woods and it only goes one way – down.

As they descend into the bunker things don’t really get much better, as they pass cells with all of the other monsters that they could have released instead of the zombie family.  In retrospect, that blood-thirsty group of inbred savages might have been one of the better choices they could have made, as there are some horrific things down here.  They exit the elevator to a large complex, but are soon surrounded by guards. Holed up in a security office with no hope of escape, there is only one option left… the ‘PURGE’ button on a control board that will release all of the monsters into the complex!  The next twenty minutes or so is just these awful and strange creatures ripping people to shreds. It.  Is.  Awesome!  There is enough panic around that our survivors can escape and make their way into the middle of the complex, still looking for a way out.  It’s there that we learn the true reason for this place – it is an altar to ancient gods, who will destroy the world if they don’t get all their sacrifices by the end of the night.  The kids are given the choice, one of them can murder the other and all will be well and the world will be saved, or they can live and the world will be destroyed. Which would you choose?

Alex’s Thoughts: If it wasn’t for the Avengers, I would say that this might be the best movie I have seen in the theatres in years.  I have always had a man-crush on Joss Whedon, and have always loved his work, but this (along with the aforementioned Avengers) thing is just perfect.  Sure there are some plot holes and a lot of unanswered questions, but it doesn’t take anything away from the fact that this is one hell of a fun movie.  Although pitched as a horror movie, I wouldn’t define it as such. Yeah it is a mostly a horror flick, but it is also a sci-fi movie and a comedy; there is something to like for everyone.  It is just an entertaining film and I could go on about it forever, but just know that I couldn’t recommend this thing more! Alex Rates This Movie 10/10

Tim’s Thoughts: For me, this is the best horror movie I have seen since Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. It has everything I want in a horror film, it’s funny, smart, it’s clever, it turns the genre on it’s ear. As you watch the movie you realize how far it goes, basically explaining every horror movie ever made, and why it goes down the way it does. The old classics and slashers are merely recreations of sacrifices past. As a huge fan of H.P. Lovecraft, I was entrance the entire movie, not really being sure what would happen next. This is a lot of fun, and while I didn’t find it very scary, I had a blast watching this, (twice in theaters.) Tim Rates This Movie 10/10

“You won’t get out of this complex alive. What I want you to try to understand, is that you mustn’t. Your deaths will avert countless others. You’ve seen horrible things: an army of nightmare creatures, and they are real. But they are nothing compared to what lies beneath us. There is a greater good, and for that you must be sacrificed. Forgive us… and let us end it quickly.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here.

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Chills on the Horizon

Filed under: Horror Hound, Movie Reviews, Sci-Fi — 1 Comment
June 18, 2012

Event Horizon (1997)

It’s the year 2047, man has colonized the moon, and is now exploring deep space (man, we had better get going on that, it isn’t that far away).  Seven years ago a science vessel called Event Horizon was lost; all those on board were have said to have been killed when the ship exploded near the edge of our solar system.  That isn’t really the truth, as a rescue team dispatched to Neptune is about to find out.  The government has sent them out to the B.F.E. of space because they have just received a distress call… from Event Horizon.  The crew of the rescue ship, captained by  Miller (Laurence Fishburne), is being briefed by Dr. Weir: an expert on the ship, because he was the one who built the damn thing.  He also built a device on board that would allow the ship to open a black hole and travel to any spot in the universe; it was through the first black hole it made, that the ship was lost.

The crew’s goal is simply search and rescue; get aboard the ship, look for survivors and any data that might help them find out what happened and then go home.  As a small group goes aboard, it is clear that things did not go well for the old crew, as vast amounts of gore and body parts are floating around in the lack of gravity aboard the ship.  As one member of the group accidentally engages the black hole generator while trying to restore power, he is sucked in, and then spat out comatose.  The doctor denies that this is possible and that the incident is the crew’s fault, not the ship’s.  Weir is sure that the ship can be salvaged, and nothing is out of sorts here.  The previous crew just went space crazy and butchered each other.

It isn’t long before people start seeing things: loved ones in pain or people in their past who have died.  The crew agree that since they are all seeing this, it must be the ship causing them to go mad, and try to leave, but their space craft is mysteriously damaged.  They are forced to stay on the Even Horizon until repairs can be made, but every second on that ship is one too many.  The ships final video log entry is discovered and it’s a thing of pure nightmares, with people ripping each other to bits, as we also see the captain’s final message in Latin, which the crew initially translated as ‘save me’ on the distress call, but in reality was ‘save yourself… from Hell’.  That’s right kids, the black hole took this ship to Hell, where it somehow became a living thing and wants a new crew with new souls to devour. As the now possessed Dr. Weir tries to kills the surviving rescue team, it is up to Capt. Miller to save as many of his crew as he can before this ship destroys them all.

Alex’s Thoughts: I always found this movie to be really good and at time quite terrifying.  The amount of crazy going on, mixed with the fact that there is no place for them to go, really creates a lot of suspense.  The acting is really good at times, with the exception of one of the crew members that was obviously added for comic relief. I felt that was really unnecessary, and it took me out of the moment whenever he showed up.  In addition to that, the movies ends on a scare and with a tense moment, but the ending credits come at you with a techno dance song from Prodigy.  I was hoping for some ominous music, not some dance hall glow shit beats; it sort of lessened the effect of the entire movie for me.  Those two things aside, I still found that I still liked this one, the practical effects are done well, but the CGI was overused and looks bad, but I think that was them just showing off this new technology.  Sci-fi and horror fans should both like this flick.  Alex Rates This Movie 8/10 

Tim’s Thoughts:I was thrilled by this movie when I saw it in theaters, I called it “The Shining” in space. After watching it again, I may have been a bit over zealous. Now I am not saying that I don’t like this movie, but more, my opinion has evolved a bit. Not many of the effects hold up, but the concept, and the cast absolutely make this a fun watch for me still. It does bear some similarities to The Shining, but lumping them together would be a bit insulting. Event Horizon has some great moments, and some really good scares, and I won’t lie, Sci-fi Horror may be one of my favorite genres, so I am sure that skews my opinion a bit. So if you also love these kind of movies, then I can strongly recommend this, but you will have to ignore a few bad special effects. If this sort of thing isn’t your bag, then you already know to steer clear. Tim Rates This Movie: 8/10

“Hell is just a word, captain. The reality is so much worse.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

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Light ‘Em Up!

Filed under: Documentary, Movie Reviews, Nerdgasm — Leave a comment
June 14, 2012

Special When Lit (2009)

It’s no secret that Tim and I are nerds. Not like pocket protector and watch calculator Big Bang Theory nerds, but we like comic books and sci-fi movies, and books; stuff the general population would consider nerd-like. We can appreciate things that aren’t really main stream, and are interested in activities, movies and other things that many people would just pass by. That is why we felt like we had to review this movie. Pinball, frankly, is almost dead. Video games, and specifically the home video game system, killed it almost 20 years ago. But there are still those hardcore fans out there that love it, and we love them for it. It’s is sort of pleasing to know that there are people out there who have an appreciation or have a great skill for something that most people could care less about or have forgotten about completely; whether it be pinball, Donkey Kong or old collectables.

Our documentary begins with a history lesson on pinball; its humble start in the 30’s as a game of chance where there were no flippers and you were simply at the mercy of gravity. This led to betting and thus the game was outlawed in most places. It wasn’t until the flappers were added, that it turned into a game of skill and was legalized again (pinball was illegal in New York until 1974!). Now this game was the shit, and companies sprang up overnight to meet the world’s demands for this new fad. Arcades were full of these machines and they could also be found in almost any US restaurant or store… any place people were likely to gather. This game made more money than the movie industry for almost two decades. As we mentioned above, video games would become the new fad, as the larger pinball machines were ignored or removed to make way for two video game cabinets.

We get to meet some of the people who are trying to preserve this past time: the collectors. Guys, always guys ages 45-60, with pinball machines in every corner of the house and garage. There are wealthy guys with huge beautiful buildings built to house their collections, to shulbby guys who would rather spend their money of pinball machines than indoor plumbing. Pinball was something that wasn’t specific to a race, gender or social status, and we see that in the cross section of collectors. Mixed in with the collectors are the professional pinball players who still compete annually for prizes and cash. To these people, pinball never went out of style, and doesn’t appear to be going anywhere soon.

Alex’s Thoughts: This doc wasn’t necessarily well made, nor is it a subject matter that really interests me (I am just awful at pinball, and so therefore being a guy, I hate it), but this thing made me want to scour eBay for a pinball machine for my basement. I just really appreciate the passion these people have for an outdated game. This could have been about people who collect rotary phones, and I would probably be like “Yeah, I totally need one of those too, I like spending 3 minutes dialing a phone number!”. I think most fans of pop culture would like this, whether you’ve played pinball before or not. Alex Rates This Movie 7/10

Tim’s Thoughts: I am not great at pinball either, but if I have quarters and the machine has a theme I like, I spend money. This is one of those doc’s that you can turn on and come in and out of the room while it plays. It doesn’t grip you like King Of Kong, but it does make  you laugh, and you can’t help but love some of these guys who are so nuts for these games. I appreciate their passion, as I feel that way about movies and books, and for that I could really immerse myself. Plus seeing these guys with pinball machines taking over their homes, it makes my 1000 plus movie collection look tame. Tim Rates This Movie 9/10

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

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Chilled To The Bone

Filed under: Comedy Gold, Horror Hound, Movie Reviews — 1 Comment
June 11, 2012

Chillerama (2011) w/ a guest review by Jon Kulczar

The local drive-in is about to close down for good, but their last hurrah is a horror movie fest.  The features are the movie within a movie, and there are four of them, so here we go…

Wadzilla – Miles is having some fertility issues, mostly because he only produces one sperm per orgasm.  His doctor gives him some medication that has yet to be approved by the FDA, but thinks it will help his problem. Wrong.  Every time he gets aroused his balls start to ache, so the doctor prescribes that maybe he should rub one out to try an alleviate the pressure. It works, but you soon realize what was causing the pain and it is a single sperm the size of a gobstopper!  The doc thinks all will be well if Miles discontinues the medication.  That night Miles has a date, but when the girl answers the door sporting some rocking cleavage, his junk starts to hurt again and he is forced to go to the bathroom and take care of some business.  This time the sperm is the size of a baseball and grows teeth, and after trying to get all up in Miles’ date, it escapes into the streets.  Soon enough the thing has grown into the size of a five story building, wrecking everything in its path.  Its eyes are set on knocking up the Statue of Liberty; will the splooge monster defile our dear Lady Liberty?

I was a Teenage Werebear – This 50’s musical tells the tale of a new kid in town and his first week at school (which probably due to a lack of a budget is on a beach for some reason). Although he has a totally hot and totally horny girlfriend, he isn’t really all that into her.  He pays more attention to a gang of leather-clad boys.  One day while wrestling during gym (also on the beach), the new kid is bitten on the ass by one of the leather boys, and begins to feel changes almost immediately: when aroused he becomes large hairy-chested chaps-wearing gay man (a.k.a. a bear).  The only way to stop his blood lust is to stick a giant silver dildo into the guy who bit him.

The Diary of Anne Frankenstein – So the Franks are hiding in their attic, when who should bust in but a couple of Nazis and Adolph Hitler himself.  Hitler (played by the evil nerd from Grandma’s Boy) finds a book on how to reanimate the dead, and proceeds to talk in fake and sometimes funny German about how his new beast will turn the tide of war.  He makes a super Jew that does his taxes and helps him do his puppy puzzles, but he will not kill for him.  Poor Hitler is murdered at the hands of his creation despite all of the funny Star Wars names he uses instead of actual German.  Also Eva Braun is totally hot.

Deathacation – This movie is nothing but people pooping for like 5 minutes, but then this happens…

Between each clip we are slowing putting together a story about a zombie outbreak at the drive-in.  One of the movie employees tries to bang his dead wife, but she bites his balls off.  For some reason this does little to stop the guy from coming to work, and while there, proceeds to jerk off near the vat of popcorn butter, tainting it with his zombie seed.  So now we have all of these zombies running around the drive in trying to bang everything in site.  Our two love bird survivors must take them out while randomly spouting off movie quotes, or get plowed and become one of them.

Alex’s Thoughts: This is such a goofy movie, how do you even begin? Other than the moving about shit which wasn’t real and doesn’t count, I think the gem might be the Hitler Frankenstein one. It was ridiculous and kind of racist, but it was funny. Pulled off sort of like Black Dynamite where there are random jump cuts, sets falling apart and ill-timed stunts. Although the premise of Wadzilla was funny, the actual story wasn’t all that great, but hey… giant killer sperm!  You can tell that the directors really are movie fans and didn’t make this to become famous or make money, it is just for the B-Movie fans out there.  I would recommend it to most people out there who are fans of comedy and horror. Alex Rates This Movie 7/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Drek, pure drek, and not the fun kind. Despite cameos from a few actors I really like (Eric Roberts) I found most of this movie inane. Don’t get me wrong, I can go for inane, I love Black Dynamite, but it has a purpose, and charm. Chillerama lacks this severely, which surprised me, because on paper this made me laugh, but the execution is so inept that I had a hard time not turning this off. The acting is bad, the directing is bad, and even worse the singing is terrible. The only part that movie I liked, and I honestly really enjoyed, was The Diary of Anne Frankenstein. That short movie was really clever and well done, the rest of this I hope to never see or discuss again. B movies are not something to be forced, they either come off as honest and fun, or they flop, and this is a big flop, (with the exception of the Frankenstein bit, that was golden.) Tim Rates 90% of this movie 1/10 (You know what part I liked by now)

Jon’s Thoughts: .  The only reason I came across this movie was because of my man crush on the brainmeats of Adam Green.  He does the Diary of Anne Frankenstein short for Chillerama. He is a genius, awesome at what he does, and has a fucking epic time of fun for his projects. Tim may disagree- but Tim is dumb.  Anywho- The thing i loved about Chillerama the most was the fun these guys had putting it together- as you watch each short, you can see this… whether its a sentient sperm humping the Statue of Liberty or a kid jerking off to a picture of Ron Jeremy.  it’s balls to the wall crazy fun from the moment the camera turns on.  the Wadzilla segment is sick, twisted and gooey fun and it has more ejaculation jokes then Alex’s bar mitvah.  the teenage werebear segment is a great parody on The Lost Boys as well as some slight Twilight rips. On my first viewing- it was my least favorite of the segments- until i got to the DVD extras (but i’ll go into that in a bit). Plus- the guy who plays Talon, the main werebear, needs to be in more movies- he’s fucking awesome.  the Zom-B movie portion, that runs the course of the movie as the background story and ties things together, is sick, gross and downright fucking hilarious… at times it made me cringe and other times it made me almost spit my beer across the room. and, finally, the gem of the bunch- Adam Green’s Diary- shot in black and white it almost brings a classical feel to it- until the shit hits the funny fan via Joel David Moore’s Hitler… and his… amazing grasp of the German language!  There are so many brillaint moments throughout the course of Diary that i could go on and on about them… so… i’ll say this:  the thing i love best about Green’s work is his DVD commentaries and behind the scenes specials.  I’ve told Tim a few times to rewatch Hatchet (Green’s first golden horror gem) and then watch the dvd specials.  you really get to see the love and admiration that Adam has for his films, actors, and the business. the dvd extra for Diary is more of the same… it delves into the fun of the shoot- let’s you in on most of what Joel David Moore was actually saying (worms in his penis!) and gives you a smiling side to Jason Vorhees. In closing… i’ll say this- if anything about Tim, Alex, or my reviews strikes your fancy and you decide you want to see this movie? Don’t get it on Netflix- go rent it or buy it, watch the  movie itself and then immerse yourself in the dvd extras.  Back to the case of WereBear- i didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as i did until i watched the extras for it.  you get to pull the curtain back and see the man behind it… granted that man maybe Ron jeremy in leather chaps… and with werewolf fangs… but it’s okay. he won’t bite. i think. Jon Rates This Movie 10/10

 “To put it simply: this movie will rape you with your own feces.”

 

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

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Prometheus has landed!

Filed under: Movie Reviews, Nerdgasm, Sci-Fi — 2 Comments
June 9, 2012

Hey guys, we are going to attempt a spoiler free review of Ridley Scott’s Prometheus. I have avoided most of the trailers and run from spoilers faster than Fat Albert to a buffet bar. So keep checking back as I blog not only my thoughts on the movie, but the emotional roller coaster that is a over caffeinated movie nerd’s day.

10:45- It’s two hours before Prometheus starts, and my palms are already sweating. I am terrified that this will not live up to expectations. After all, it’s Ridley Scott! He’s given us some the greatest science fiction films of our generation, and that’s not counting other amazing movies like Black Hawk Down. I can’t help but worry because lately he’s been a bit off his game. Did you see Robin Hood? No? Well to be honest, neither did I, but I don’t think I have the stomach for another turd filled costume drama where they give you all the best action pieces in the previews. But something feels different this time, he has returned to a universe that is both beautiful and terrifying. So yes, I may be a little excited, Alien is one of my favorite horror movies, it’s a perfect blend of suspense and horror. I don’t expect Prometheus to deliver on all of those levels, but even 75% of that greatness would be pretty awesome.

12:10- I kiss my daughter goodbye as she laughs, and I am ready to leave the house in my clever t-shirt and flip flops.  Even if this movie stinks, I will be hanging out with some good friends, who may provide a shoulder to cry on, if not, I can bribe them with popcorn. Wish us luck!

12:40- popcorn puchased. Here we go!

3:01- The dust has settled and my friends and I have stepped out into the hot air and sunlight. There are mixed feelings among the group, but we do reach a general consensus; we liked it. There is much discussion about this or that, and what we would have liked to have seen, or not seen, but no one feels like we have wasted our time. An actual review to come soon. Easier to do from my laptop than a phone.

 

All right gang, Tim here, and I am going to attempt a spoiler free review of Prometheus. I am of two minds because I think I may feel differently after digesting it a bit. First of all, I won’t call this a prequel, but you have the same director (Scott), you have the same producer (Walter Hill), and the exact same title reveal from the first Alien, I’m not sayin’ , I’m just sayin’.  So right off the bat, this movie looks great, only once or twice did I feel an effect didn’t look great. Considering that this is a hard sci-fi movie that is a pretty amazing feat.  All of the acting is very good, despite the characters being pretty much your standard fare. As my friend Greg pointed out, you can easily guess who is going to die, but they do an excellent job of teasing it. There is a wonderful sense of dread and suspense once Prometheus lands, and we quickly get into that Cold War favorite trope of who is really the enemy. While not as heavy handed as James Cameron does it, it’s pretty obvious at times, but again, the tease makes it a lot of fun to watch.  As a science fiction movie, I think Prometheus excels, but the horror aspect is more or less paint by numbers. This is not a scary movie, and it doesn’t come close to the shocks of the original Alien, but it is damn entertaining, and does pose some interesting questions about the creation of man. I don’t mean this in a theological sense, but more in the “what do we do when the truth is not what we expected”. Micheal Fassbender is incredible, but I expected nothing less, and the as I have said, the rest of the cast is more than serviceable. Other than that, without spoiling things, I will say this: There is plenty of stuff here for fans of the Alien universe, but you really don’t need to see those movies, Prometheus could stand alone as a Sci-Fi flick, but for the nerds and geeks like myself, stay till the end of the credits, you might laugh like I did, but if you haven’t seen the other movies, or hip to Alien stuff, it may be lost on you. So in a summer of blockbusters, I don’t think Prometheus is the best one out there, so far Avengers and A Cabin In The Woods are much better, and we haven’t even seen the new Batman yet. Despite that,  I had a great time, and got more or less exactly what I wanted from Prometheus, and really enjoyed it.

p.s. There are some great gore effects, and one thing in particular that will always bug me, but it’s nothing plot related so it doesn’t matter too much. Oh and I almost forgot

Tim Rates This Movie 9/10(but that’s as an “Alien” fan.)

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Star Wars Nerds Versus The Maker

Filed under: Author's Favorite, Documentary, Movie Reviews, Nerdgasm — Leave a comment
June 7, 2012

The People Versus George Lucas (2010)

Hold on, because this is going to be a nerdy ride.  This documentary begins with a brief history of George Lucas’ life, how he got into filmmaking, and the troubles he initially encountered with studios re-editing his films.  That was all of 5 minutes; it then quickly ramps into the 1977 phenomenon that was Star Wars (Episode IV: A New Hope) and how that film changed movies forever.  There are dozens of interviews with people from a variety of professions and cultures talking about why people love the film, and how it has affected popular culture for the last 35 years.  There are also some examples of some fan films, including the great and under-rated Star Wars: Uncut (see it), which is the entire film recreated 30 seconds at a time by different people in different mediums.

Now comes the nerd backlash about George tinkering with what they love… probably too much time is spent on ‘who shot first, Han or Greedo’, but when it comes to the alteration of the original film for the special edition, that was probably the biggest gripe fans had.  There are film professionals with alternating views on what a filmmaker has the right to do with their movie, whether it belongs to the public or the creator.  There are basically just a lot of angry individuals here, and most just want to be able to see the film in its original release on a current medium like DVD or BluRay.  Unless you were one of the rich people in the early 90’s who owned a laser disc player, a VHS tape is the only way you can still see it as it was in 1977.

“Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten.” – George Lucas, 1988. Explaining to congress why black and white movies should not be altered to color.  Hypocrite!

The bitching continues as fans recollect their first viewing of Episode I, and try to convince themselves that they really like, but come to the conclusion that it’s 90% shit.  Those on the side of Lucas remind the public that these movies are made for kids, and that kids love Jar Jar Binks, much in the same way that people used to love the Ewoks. Despite everything wrong with Star Wars, everyone agrees that there are a lot of things right about it too.  People love to hate George Lucas, and that is pretty much the main message here… and also that the holiday special is utter crap.

Alex’s Thoughts:  Did someone make a movie just for me?  I couldn’t have asked for anything more in a documentary.  Being a hardcore Star Wars fan I think I have a unique view of this movie compared to the casual fanboy/fangirl.  I went through that big swing in emotion watching Episode I the first time, and came out of it saying ‘at least there were still lightsabers’ since nothing else was really recognizable to me.  I don’t really have an issue with Lucas changing his movies all the time, as I have told myself that I will not be tricked into buying another copy, that guy and his beard already have enough of my cash.  If you are into Star Wars you should definitely see this, as I think you would get a lot out of it.  If you’re not, than this is a pass.  Alex Rates This Movie 9/10

Tim’s Thoughts: I would say this is required viewing for every Star Wars fan, but after about 30 minutes into this, I realized that I was watching the same conversation that I have had with other Star Wars geeks, and that’s where I have a problem. While this is an entertaining documentary, I just got bored listening to other nerds drone on and on about something that will never change. Again, this movie is well made, and there are some interesting points, but for me (being a die hard Star Wars fan) I just got bored listening to the same complaints. I could film my friends and I bitching about why we hate stuff we love, and we would have a similar result. There is nothing terrible here, it just didn’t click for me. Maybe it hurts too much to be reminded of how something I love so much has fallen so far. Tim Rates This Movie: 6/10

 “You really fucked it up, George. What are you going to do to un-fuck it?”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

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It Wasn’t Me, I Was Framed!

Filed under: 80's Favorites, Comedy Gold, Movie Reviews — Leave a comment
June 4, 2012

Who Framed Rodger Rabbit (1988)

It’s 1947 Hollywood  and Eddie Valiant is a down-and-out drunkard private detective, but today’s his big payday.  RK Maroon has been having trouble with his cartoon star, Roger Rabbit, being distracted due to suspicions of his wife’s infidelity. So Valiant is brought in to spy on Jessica Rabbit to see what’s going down, and despite Eddie’s reluctance to work with toons (as his brother was murdered by a toon a few years back), he needs the money.  He takes some pictures of Marvin Acme (the owner of Toontown, and yes he’s THAT Acme) playing patty-cake with Jessica, and delivers them to Maroon.  Roger doesn’t take the news well and jumps out the window into the night.  The next morning Acme wakes up dead, and of course Roger is the main suspect, but the ominous Judge Doom and his band of weasel henchmen are hot on his trail, which leads them back to Eddie’s apartment where Rodger is hiding.  He tells Eddie that he is innocent and that if they don’t find Acme’s will, Toontown will be sold off and the toons left homeless.

The detective trusts his instincts, and as much as it bothers him to be working with a toon, he knows it’s the right thing to do.  After a few narrow encounters with Doom and the weasels, Eddie and the Rabbits are trapped in Acme’s warehouse, where Doom is ready to unleash his toon killing formula, called Dip, into Toontown to clense the area to make way for a new interstate; but not before killing Rodger and Jesicca.  As Doom starts up his genocidal street sweeper of death, Eddie uses all of Acme’s best cartoon props to defeat the weasels, then make a stab at Doom.  But we learn that Doom isn’t just some toon-hating judge, he is a toon himself, and was the one who killed Eddie’s brother!  Eddie makes sure that won’t happen again, when he is able to dump the load of Dip directly on Doom, melting him and saving Toontown.

Alex’s Thoughts:  While not the first movie to incorporate cartoons and live actors, no other movie had them interacting as much as this movie did, and was a first when it came out.  A young person seeing this for the first time might not be too impressed with this, as the world of GCI makes movies like this possible everyday, but the amount of work it took to create this in 1988 was difficult.  All of the cartoons were played by real people or puppets, then animators came in and drew the cartoon objects in afterwards, on EVERY PIECE OF FILM.  That was an incredible undertaking and at the time it looked great. Too bad this movie really shows its age watching it today, it would be a good family movie if you could get the kids to buy into it.  The actors are great and it’s a fun story. If you haven’t seen it for a while, or are able to get your kids into it, this one is worth another watch.  Alex Rates This Movie 8/10

Tim’s Thoughts: I still love Roger Rabbit, and as a kid wished that this world existed, maybe I still do today. Regardless, this is a landmark in movie history, I have a feeling that we will never see this type of movie made again. Not at this level, and not with this much love. It’s a perfect blend of classic cartoon sensibility, and modern day technique (Well modern for it’s time). As a kid I laughed at this, and like most great cartoons, as an adult I laugh at completely different things. I pick up new jokes with every viewing, and look forward to watching this again. I recommend this for anybody who loves classic cartoons. It’s fun to see how many you recognize, and you will have fun trying to pick them all out. Tim Rates This Movie 10/10

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

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