Chillerama (2011) w/ a guest review by Jon Kulczar
The local drive-in is about to close down for good, but their last hurrah is a horror movie fest. The features are the movie within a movie, and there are four of them, so here we go…
Wadzilla – Miles is having some fertility issues, mostly because he only produces one sperm per orgasm. His doctor gives him some medication that has yet to be approved by the FDA, but thinks it will help his problem. Wrong. Every time he gets aroused his balls start to ache, so the doctor prescribes that maybe he should rub one out to try an alleviate the pressure. It works, but you soon realize what was causing the pain and it is a single sperm the size of a gobstopper! The doc thinks all will be well if Miles discontinues the medication. That night Miles has a date, but when the girl answers the door sporting some rocking cleavage, his junk starts to hurt again and he is forced to go to the bathroom and take care of some business. This time the sperm is the size of a baseball and grows teeth, and after trying to get all up in Miles’ date, it escapes into the streets. Soon enough the thing has grown into the size of a five story building, wrecking everything in its path. Its eyes are set on knocking up the Statue of Liberty; will the splooge monster defile our dear Lady Liberty?
I was a Teenage Werebear – This 50’s musical tells the tale of a new kid in town and his first week at school (which probably due to a lack of a budget is on a beach for some reason). Although he has a totally hot and totally horny girlfriend, he isn’t really all that into her. He pays more attention to a gang of leather-clad boys. One day while wrestling during gym (also on the beach), the new kid is bitten on the ass by one of the leather boys, and begins to feel changes almost immediately: when aroused he becomes large hairy-chested chaps-wearing gay man (a.k.a. a bear). The only way to stop his blood lust is to stick a giant silver dildo into the guy who bit him.
The Diary of Anne Frankenstein – So the Franks are hiding in their attic, when who should bust in but a couple of Nazis and Adolph Hitler himself. Hitler (played by the evil nerd from Grandma’s Boy) finds a book on how to reanimate the dead, and proceeds to talk in fake and sometimes funny German about how his new beast will turn the tide of war. He makes a super Jew that does his taxes and helps him do his puppy puzzles, but he will not kill for him. Poor Hitler is murdered at the hands of his creation despite all of the funny Star Wars names he uses instead of actual German. Also Eva Braun is totally hot.
Deathacation – This movie is nothing but people pooping for like 5 minutes, but then this happens…
Between each clip we are slowing putting together a story about a zombie outbreak at the drive-in. One of the movie employees tries to bang his dead wife, but she bites his balls off. For some reason this does little to stop the guy from coming to work, and while there, proceeds to jerk off near the vat of popcorn butter, tainting it with his zombie seed. So now we have all of these zombies running around the drive in trying to bang everything in site. Our two love bird survivors must take them out while randomly spouting off movie quotes, or get plowed and become one of them.
Alex’s Thoughts: This is such a goofy movie, how do you even begin? Other than the moving about shit which wasn’t real and doesn’t count, I think the gem might be the Hitler Frankenstein one. It was ridiculous and kind of racist, but it was funny. Pulled off sort of like Black Dynamite where there are random jump cuts, sets falling apart and ill-timed stunts. Although the premise of Wadzilla was funny, the actual story wasn’t all that great, but hey… giant killer sperm! You can tell that the directors really are movie fans and didn’t make this to become famous or make money, it is just for the B-Movie fans out there. I would recommend it to most people out there who are fans of comedy and horror. Alex Rates This Movie 7/10
Tim’s Thoughts: Drek, pure drek, and not the fun kind. Despite cameos from a few actors I really like (Eric Roberts) I found most of this movie inane. Don’t get me wrong, I can go for inane, I love Black Dynamite, but it has a purpose, and charm. Chillerama lacks this severely, which surprised me, because on paper this made me laugh, but the execution is so inept that I had a hard time not turning this off. The acting is bad, the directing is bad, and even worse the singing is terrible. The only part that movie I liked, and I honestly really enjoyed, was The Diary of Anne Frankenstein. That short movie was really clever and well done, the rest of this I hope to never see or discuss again. B movies are not something to be forced, they either come off as honest and fun, or they flop, and this is a big flop, (with the exception of the Frankenstein bit, that was golden.) Tim Rates 90% of this movie 1/10 (You know what part I liked by now)
Jon’s Thoughts: . The only reason I came across this movie was because of my man crush on the brainmeats of Adam Green. He does the Diary of Anne Frankenstein short for Chillerama. He is a genius, awesome at what he does, and has a fucking epic time of fun for his projects. Tim may disagree- but Tim is dumb. Anywho- The thing i loved about Chillerama the most was the fun these guys had putting it together- as you watch each short, you can see this… whether its a sentient sperm humping the Statue of Liberty or a kid jerking off to a picture of Ron Jeremy. it’s balls to the wall crazy fun from the moment the camera turns on. the Wadzilla segment is sick, twisted and gooey fun and it has more ejaculation jokes then Alex’s bar mitvah. the teenage werebear segment is a great parody on The Lost Boys as well as some slight Twilight rips. On my first viewing- it was my least favorite of the segments- until i got to the DVD extras (but i’ll go into that in a bit). Plus- the guy who plays Talon, the main werebear, needs to be in more movies- he’s fucking awesome. the Zom-B movie portion, that runs the course of the movie as the background story and ties things together, is sick, gross and downright fucking hilarious… at times it made me cringe and other times it made me almost spit my beer across the room. and, finally, the gem of the bunch- Adam Green’s Diary- shot in black and white it almost brings a classical feel to it- until the shit hits the funny fan via Joel David Moore’s Hitler… and his… amazing grasp of the German language! There are so many brillaint moments throughout the course of Diary that i could go on and on about them… so… i’ll say this: the thing i love best about Green’s work is his DVD commentaries and behind the scenes specials. I’ve told Tim a few times to rewatch Hatchet (Green’s first golden horror gem) and then watch the dvd specials. you really get to see the love and admiration that Adam has for his films, actors, and the business. the dvd extra for Diary is more of the same… it delves into the fun of the shoot- let’s you in on most of what Joel David Moore was actually saying (worms in his penis!) and gives you a smiling side to Jason Vorhees. In closing… i’ll say this- if anything about Tim, Alex, or my reviews strikes your fancy and you decide you want to see this movie? Don’t get it on Netflix- go rent it or buy it, watch the movie itself and then immerse yourself in the dvd extras. Back to the case of WereBear- i didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as i did until i watched the extras for it. you get to pull the curtain back and see the man behind it… granted that man maybe Ron jeremy in leather chaps… and with werewolf fangs… but it’s okay. he won’t bite. i think. Jon Rates This Movie 10/10
“To put it simply: this movie will rape you with your own feces.”
View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue