Archive for July, 2012


Somebody Get the Tweezers!

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July 30, 2012

Splinter (2008)

This little creature feature starts off at a small gas station right to the north of the middle of nowhere.  The greasy attendant is just strolling around the parking lot, when he hears a rustling in the brush.  Before you know it, he is attacked by some sort of bloody otter/gopher/badger thing with all of these quills sticking out of it.  Now I know you’re probably thinking it was a porcupine, but it was not a damn porcupine, trust us!  The attendant is presumably killed by this 7lb forest creature.  Elsewhere on this highway, a young couple named Seth (the stoner guy from Road Trip) and Polly (the hottie that used to host Wipeout) set off to find a motel, as the two adults are unable to pitch a tent for a camping trip; despite the fact that they have a large SUV bigger than said tent, but we digress.  As they are driving they find a lone girl hitchhiking and stop to pick her up, and that is when her crazy boyfriend pops out of the woods with a gun.

The young couple are now hostages to a couple of tweakers wanted by the law, and are headed to Mexico.  They end up hitting some animal on the road and it pops their tire, so as they change it, Seth and the crazy girl check out the road kill.  The chick is convinced it is her childhood puppy and wants Seth to save it, but the thing is neither a puppy nor anywhere near alive. Or is it? It suddenly starts pulling itself back together.  They freak and run, just as a splinter in the car tire pricks the other guy’s finger.  They end up going to the gas station from the opening scene and find the attendant all disfigured with his broken bones swinging from a bloated carcass.  The monster springs to life, kills the girl and chases the others inside.

On the monitors inside, they see the girl moving, so the guy tries to drag her inside and that is when we realize that she is also infected from the splinter things and tries to get in the store, maybe she just wants some Fun Dip or some jerky.  A cop conveniently shows up and also gets infected, so there are two creatures out there trying to get in.  Both of them manage to break off an arm or hand and send it in thru the security window, and they scurry around like a thorny and crappy CGI Thing from the Addams Family.  Meanwhile the guy got infected from his prick on the tire earlier and they are forced to cut off his arm, in doing this they realize he is a nice guy at heart and he volunteers to distract the monsters so they can run away.  Isn’t that sweet of the one-armed felon nut job?  The couple gets away, but we see there is a forest of infected animals all around them, too bad for them.

Alex’s Thoughts:  Splinter is a low-budget movie, and it shows.  The effects are laughable at points, with stuff being pulled across the floor on strings or with really bad CG work.  The practical creature effects might have been better if they had actually showed them to you, but the creatures were always obscured by something or in a dimly lit place.  The story is your pretty standard infection plot, so nothing really stands out there.  The acting is pretty good, but you could care less if anyone lives or dies.  It’s short, so it has that going for it I guess.  It’s nothing new, but really isn’t that awful.  Alex Rates This Movie 5/10

Tim’s Thoughts: This movie is very average, the plot is okay, the characters are unlikable and the action scenes are unwatchable.  A killer piece of roadkill sets the tone early, and I knew this was going to be a long night. To make things worse, the filmmakers decide to chop up any bit of action into quick cuts so that not only see is it impossible to see what is happening, but you also have no idea what’s going on. There are some interesting ideas sprinkled throughout, but overall nothing strong enough to tie anything together. Barely interesting, and barely watchable, this charmless movie isn’t even good for a bad movie night. Tim Rates This Movie 3/10

“You are suffering from a severe case of CDS: Can’t Do Shit!”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here, or add it to your Netflix queue

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Goons never Say Die

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July 26, 2012

Goon (2011)

Life seems to be passing Doug Glatt ( Sean William Scott) by. His brother is a successful surgeon, and his best friend hosts a regional hockey talk show on the outskirts of Boston. Doug is a bouncer at a local dive bar, and doesn’t really have much going for him.  All that changes when his friend takes him to a hockey game for a local club team. After Doug’s buddy talks crap to one of the opposing player, the guy climbs out of the penalty box and goes after him.  Doug steps up for his friend and lays the hockey player out cold.  The next day Dougie is a YouTube sensation.  The coach of the home team asks Doug to come down and try out.  As Doug goes out onto the ice, it is clear that his is not a strong skater, or any kind of skater for that matter, as he comes out wearing his gay brother’s figure skates.  After some members of the team make fun of him, he proceeds to kick the ever living shit out of them.  The coach has found himself a new enforcer.

For those of you who aren’t hockey fans, an enforcer is just a goon.  He is on the team to start fights and to retaliate against the other team for hard hits on his players.  Doug excels at this, as he isn’t asked to play hockey, just fight.  The coach doesn’t want to see Doug’s talents wasted, so he sends him up to the minor leagues. There Doug finds a rag-tag team of misfits (think Major League on skates), but his main job is to protect the team’s star player who is scared to play since getting a massive hit a few years ago.  It is clear that Doug is the only one excited to be there, but eventually the team accepts him.

Doug becomes somewhat of a hockey celebrity during his adventures.  He gets his team to rally around winning, meets a nice young lady whom he hopes to bone at some point and ends up in a fight to the near death with one of hockey’s all-time great enforcers who is looking to retire on a high note by whooping this new hot shot.

Alex’s Thoughts:  I knew from the moment I saw the trailer that I would like this movie.  It is a nice mix of comedy and drama and I think it excels at both.  I found myself smiling through almost the entire movie, as there is always something good on-screen.  If you like funny sports movies you should give this a watch, you don’t have to be a hockey fan, just a fan of good movies. Alex Rates This Movie 8/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Say what you will about Stifler, but I think that Sean William Scott is a fun actor to watch. I see nearly everything he’s in and I am usually happy with what I get. I am not saying he’s Gary Oldman, but anybody else in Goon, and I would have passed. Instead I was really happy when we decided to do this for the blog, not only so I had an excuse to see it sooner than later, I am glad to praise Scott for being able to not just play assholes. It took me a while to realize that his character was slow, but I bought it, and you can’t help but pull for him. The plot holds no surprises, and you can probably guess the ending 5 minutes in, but the performances and Glatt’s goofy charm make this very watchable and downright funny at times. I am not really  a hockey fan, and I have not seen Slapshot, (I know, blasphemy,) but I really had a good time, and can’t wait to see Scott’s next outing, whatever it may be. Tim Rates This Movie 8/10

“I think we both have a light in our stomachs. A special light. Like ET. And the team needs somebody to light the way. My stomach light needs your stomach light. We can all phone home together.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here, or add it to your Netflix queue

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All Rise. The Honorable Christopher Nolan Presiding

Filed under: Action Jackson, Author's Favorite, Movie Reviews, Nerdgasm — 1 Comment
July 23, 2012

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

We attended a trilogy viewing of all three batman movies last night, which were Batman Begins and The Dark Knight followed by a midnight viewing of what might be one of the most anticipated movies of all time. Our plot and reviews are as spoiler free as possible, but there might be one or two, so read at your own risk.

Eight years have passed since the death of district attorney Harvey Dent, and of the Batman taking the blame for all of Dent’s murders from when he was driven insane by the Joker.  Not only has Batman not been seen for almost a decade, but neither has Bruce Wayne; who has become a recluse inside his mansion, consumed by the death of Rachel Dawes, and is in pretty rough shape after the beatings taken as Batman.  It takes a visit from a ‘cat’ burglar to kick him out of his funk, and it soon becomes clear a storm is brewing in Gotham City, and he is going to need to come out of retirement, no matter what the costs.

In addition to the very attractive thief, there is a new baddie in town, the crafty mercenary known as Bane.  He plans to destroy Gotham and will not take no for an answer.  Batman isn’t alone in his fight for the city; police Commissioner Gordon as well as a hot-shot young cop named John Blake aim to stop Bane and his army of goons who have taken complete control over the city, with no one allowed to come or go. Will this brute be the end of the bat? Or will Wayne knock off the rust and kick a little more butt before hanging up the cowl for good?

Alex’s Thoughts:  Let me first say that this is a great movie.  Now that’s out of the way, here were a very few things that bothered me – the dialogue was really hard to hear in some parts, and not just the words coming from under Bane’s mask, but from everyone.  If there was any sort of music playing or action in that scene, it was always louder than the dialogue so a lot was lost.  I did have minor issues with the Bat-plane, as I thought it was sort of cheesy, but I understand that it was crucial to the story.  And again, the music: it was too loud where it didn’t need to be and it distracted from what was happening on-screen, but maybe that was just me listening to the same theme for like 9 straight hours.  Those few flaws aside, it was a very entertaining movie.  I got to see some things between Bane and Batman that I didn’t think would happen, and I really enjoyed all the scenes with Bats and Catwoman fighting together.  The acting from Anne Hathaway and Michael Caine stood out the most, and it is unfortunate that so much of Bane’s face is covered by the mask, because Tom Hardy is a great actor and he can’t really express himself, but still did provide a great performance. Probably the part that most people will disagree on is the ending.  It is going to be a love it or hate it type deal.  It is very specific and sets the stage for the next movie, and if the next director decides to follow that story line, there is only one thing that can happen.  I myself really liked it. (MINOR SPOILER)  You lean something trivial about John Blake that changes the entire movie and history of this franchise, the audience in our theater let out a collective gasp.  I don’t love this as much as The Dark Knight, but it is still a great flick.  Alex Rates This Movie 9/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Nolan did the impossible, and that was not out doing The Dark Knight, (that would be impossible,) no, what he managed to do was maintain a consistent story line. Having the benefit of seeing all 3 movies in the same night in the theater, I could  see how Nolan sets up the universe very deliberately, and this pays off big time. There are no cheesy call backs to lame minor characters from earlier films, (which I was dreading,} and they avoid falling back into easy tropes. The movie felt like it had a slow start, but do not be deceived, it only feels that way because you know the shit is going to hit the fan, you just don’t know when. It’s also a good sign when the more I think about this movie, the more I like it. The guy one seat down in the theater was literally on the edge of his seat for the last hour of the movie, and you get the feeling that Nolan  is not only capable, but more than willing to kill off any of the main players and things get worse and worse. I know there is some dispute over the ending, but honestly I don’t know how else you do it. The wrap up is concise, and satisfying, and I don’t know what else you want. For me, this was excellent, and a wonderful finale for the best, most consistent movie trilogy. Before you jump down my throat, remember, there are no Ewoks in this, and Temple of Doom in it’s best parts can’t touch these Batman films. I am sad that they are done, and REALLY hope Superman can find the same success. Tim Rates This Movie: 10/10

“When Gotham is ashes, you have my permission to die.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here.

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The Year of the Bat

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July 19, 2012

Batman: Year One (2011)

This animated feature, based on the Frank Miller graphic novel, finds two men entering the city of Gotham: millionaire Bruce Wayne (absent from Gotham for the last 12 years), and new cop Lt. James Gordon.  Both men find the city to be a den of evil, ruled by the corrupt, and each one vows to make it a better place the only way they can.  A disguised Wayne becomes a vigilante crime-fighter in the red light district beating up pimps and  drug dealers.  Gordon is trying to work through the corrupt police station, with a commissioner on the take and a partner who likes to abuse his power.  Eventually Wayne dons the moniker of Batman and aims to strike fear into the criminals of Gotham, he needs help in doing so, and eventually teams up with Gordon.  Catwoman makes a brief appearance as a hooker to trying to fight back and get these do-gooder to leave everyone alone. 

Alex’s Thoughts: While I love Batman, and like the graphic novel, I don’t care for the animation style.  The voice acting for Batman wasn’t all that good, but Bryan Cranston as Gordon is really good, Eliza Dushku as Catwoman doesn’t lend much to the character and is just kind of flat.  You need to be a hardcore fan to get much out of this, and it isn’t something you can watch with your kids as it’s pretty violent.  I’ve seen better animated Batman films like Gohamn Knights, and not many worse.  Alex Rates This Movie 4/10

Tim’s Thoughts: I was warned that the Gordon part of the story is much more compelling than the Batman story, and I 100% agree. If this was just about Gordon and his rise to Commissioner then I would be all in, but the Batman segments are much too melodramatic. The animation is a bit awkward, but I got used to it, but anytime Batman showed up I was pulled out again. Overall it’s pretty mediocre, and I think instead you should go out to you local comic book store and pick up the graphic novel.  Tim Rates This Movie 5/10

“You can never escape me. Nothing harms me. But I know pain.”

View the IMDB entry for this movier here, or add it to your Netflix queue.

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To The Batcave, Robin!

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July 16, 2012

Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt (2003)

Late one evening an invitation is left of the doorstep of TV’s Batman, Adam West, inviting him to an event at a car museum.  Upon arriving he learns that his on-screen crime-fighting partner Robin is there as well, played by Burt Ward.  Little do they know that the museum is unveiling the Batmobile from the show.  Adam reveals that he still has the key for the car, and that is when the lights go out.  When they come back on the key is missing, along with the Batmobile.  The duo take it upon themselves to find the stolen car.

This plot is a segway of sorts to an entire different plot of the movie: the history of the tv show.  While chasing the thief, Adam and Burt reminisce, and we see how they landed their parts and all of the fame it brought them.  And not just fame, but money and tons of chicks. Really? Burt Ward got tons of chicks?  The sixties were a crazy time I guess.  We really aren’t sure how much of the stuff they say happened on the show really did, but if you believe everything you see then that was probably a great three years for those involved.  We get to see some of the villains from the show, and a lot of the actors do a great job impersonating these well-known characters, including the guys playing Frank Gorshin (The Riddler) and Burgess Meredith (The Penguin).  While in the present day story line we see the real Frank Gorshin and Julie Numar (Catwoman) as actual villains who want their due respect.  Again, we’re not sure how much of the TV show is made up, but it might have been possible that Bert Ward caused problems with certain moral groups due to the size of his bulge while in the Robin costume and that Adam West was always in trouble with the network censers due to his ad-libbing of bat-themed sexual innuendos.

Alex’s Thoughts:  I have always been a fan of the TV show. As a kid that was how I knew about Batman, and it wasn’t until the Tim Burton movies came along that I came to realize that Batman wasn’t a brightly dressed bat-oosie dancing fool, but an actual hero that was to be feared.  I will still watch that show today if it’s on. Sure it’s cheesy as hell, but it’s fun to watch.  I really enjoyed this movie, seeing how the old show was made and some possibly interesting things that happened on and off the set.  The downside was the present day Batman and Robin: the acting on the show was corny, this acting is just as bad.  It was off-putting because the Adam West and Burt Ward from the flashbacks are really good actors.  So I have mixed feeling about this, but if you enjoyed the show, you will enjoy this.  Alex Rates This Movie 7.5/10

Tim’s Thoughts: This is not as good as the old TV show, but it’s kind of fun to see two icons back in the saddle, even if they are old and creaky. It’s too bad the actors that play the younger versions of West and Ward haven’t done more prominent work, they are the real stars of this show. If you aren’t a big fan of Batman ’66 then you can skip this, I liked it, but I grew up watching these reruns, so I had fun. It’s really not very good, but it does capture some of that old spirit, and there are a few good running gags, so if you like the goofy Batman, then this is worth a watch. Tim Rates This Movie 7/10

“The butler did it. We should’ve seen this coming a mile away.”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here, or add it to your Netflix queue

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One Mean Motorscooter

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July 12, 2012

Bronson (2008)

First off we have to warn you that this isn’t a bio pic about Bronson Pinchot, so sorry to dissappoint all you Perfect Strangers fans out there.  Some day your movie will be made; no way Hollywood could ignore his massive talent for much longer.

This biopic about England’s most famous prisoner is a bit of an odd duck.  The story is told by Michael Peterson (a.k.a. Charlie Bronson), via a vaudeville act in front of a large crowd.  There are brief monologues by Bronson (Tom Hardy) when the acts change or there is a lapse in time; while a bit off-putting at first, it really helps to tie the movie and its span of thirty years together.

When we first meet Bronson, we hear a bit about his childhood. Although he came from a very normal family, he was anything but.  He craved attention, and got that through fighting; whether it be will fellow classmates or with his teachers. As a teenager, things got worse, as he added robbery to his repertoire.  This hobby landed him a seven-year stay in prison, after being apprehended after robbing a post office.  It is in prison, we lean, that Bronson feels at home, going so far to calling his cell his ‘hotel room’.  Through his love of fighting, he quickly makes a name for himself as one guy not to be fucked with, and all of the other prisoners respect and admire him.

Since he is in constant trouble, he is transferred from prison to prison, but it’s the same everywhere he goes: guards and other prisoners beaten within an inch of their life.  With no other options, the government sends him to an asylum where he is kept drugged for years.  He gets out of a stupor long enough to try to kill a guy, so he goes to a prison for the criminally insane, where he soon initiates a full-scale riot.  At their wit’s end, the best idea England has is to just let the guy go free, and they do.  After finding it hard to adjust back into society, he finds a job he’s good at – a street fighter.  He will fight anyone, and as many men and even dogs as he can, in order to get that rush he covets so much.  After another botched robbery he is sent back into the clink, but finds an outlet in art, after not finding anyone who wants to fight him.

He resorts to taking his art teacher hostage in order to be able to take a couple of shots at the guards, which is all he ever wanted out of life.  We learn that he is still in prison to this day, and is still kicking ass well into his 50’s.

Alex’s Thoughts:  I was a little put off at first due to the odd presentation of this movie and the thick accent Tom Hardy uses throughout the film, but I eventually adjusted to it.  I’m glad I kept watching because I saw one of the best performances of my life. Hardy is so great in this picture, and his ability to go from zero to 100% crazy in the drop of a hat is amazing. The story can be a bit slow and tedious at times, but you never get that from Hardy.  I would recommend this to anyone who likes great acting, or dong,(there is A LOT of dong in this movie).  After seeing Inception, I knew Tom Hardy was a good actor, but this makes me even more excited for The Dark Knight Rises.  Alex Rates This Movie 9/10 

Tim’s Thoughts: This is nearly a one man show, put on by Tom Hardy, and with the help of some unique cinematography he conveys just how crazy this “Bronson” is. The real trick that Hardy pulls off, is that you kind of like the vivaciousness of this lunatic, and I can’t help but attribute that to his acting. I will say that this is not for everyone, it is strangely paced, and some of the characters feel straight out of A Clockwork Orange, but if you want to see how great an actor Tom Hardy really is, this is a great place to start. And while not everyone will buy into the strange storytelling style, with the bizarre mix of vaudeville, I can’t help but feel that this only shows what an egomaniac this character really is, he perceives his entire life as a show, and he plays all the characters…… I am sure that the next time I watch this, I will come away with more insight, and see tons more stuff that I missed the first time around. Tim Rates This Movie 9/10

“You don’t want to be trapped inside with me sunshine. Inside, I’m somebody nobody wants to fuck with do you understand?”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue

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A House Divided

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July 9, 2012

The Divide (2011)

This flick starts off fast and heavy, with a nuclear bomb being dropped on New York City.  As the tenants of an apartment building rush to escape, many realize that outdoors might not be the best place to be during a massive explosion.  So a group of 10 or so people try to get to the basement; but the super has beaten them there and is trying to shut them out.  They manage to break in, much to the super Mickey’s dismay.  They sit in this dank cellar as they listen to buildings collapsing and the city crumbling above them.  The door has been sealed shut and taped over so no radiation gets in. They are safe for now from the outside world, but they are strangers trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation.  The tension is not helped by Mickey, who had stocked this shelter for himself, and now has additional mouths to feed. Many of those mouths do not agree that they should just sit and wait for help, and that they should go outside and look for it themselves.  To open that door means death for everyone inside, that is something they eventually agree on.

But after a few days, that is exactly what happens, the door is opened, but… from the outside.  Several guys dressed like Master Chief from Halo cut their way in and start pointing guns at everyone.  One of them snatches a little girl, and the others try to kill the survivors, but the basement dwellers get the upper hand and a few of the intruders are killed themselves.  One of the members of our group dons a suit and ventures out the door only to find a hazmat area and a bunch of kids in stasis.  He is discovered and chased back to the basement, only to have the door welded shut behind him.  The group is now stuck down there for good.  With little chance of survival and their food becoming in short supply tensions are rising, before long it is like Thunder Dome down there with people beginning to act like savages.  Mickey reveals there to be a hidden supply room with enough food to last much longer, but it might be too late.  Their little society is crumbling, mimicking that of the outside world, and it seems as though there is little hope for any normal life.  Can the one girl who has held it all together amongst these crazy radiation poisoned wackos do the one thing that everyone is just trying to do: survive? Perhaps, but people will have to die in the process.

Alex’s Thoughts: As we mentioned above, this movie begins with tension, and that tension remains throughout the entire thing.  The people go from fearing what has happened to the outside world, then to these strange kidnapping guys and finally to fearing each other.  The actors do a great job keeping things going even when it doesn’t seem like much is going on in the story, from the creepy shell-shocked vet super played by Michael Biehn, the single mom turned sex slave played by Rosanna Arquette and Milo Ventimiglia as a d-bag gone berserk.  This is the kind of movie that shows what type of person you really are when all hope is lost, and apparently some people become cross-dressing murdering rapists when the shit hits the fan.  This isn’t something you can watch over and over again, but one viewing should be required for thriller fans.  Alex Rates This Movie 7/10

Tim’s Thoughts:I am a huge Stanley Kubrick fan, and his specialty is exposing the depravity of mankind. There is something I can’t help but be drawn to about these stories, and it’s kind of ironic as I am usually an eternal optimist. Unfortunately The Divide starts off really well, and you can see all of the potential as the tension builds and the desperation and boredom of these poor souls is palpable. The film takes a quick U-turn once the guys in hazmat suits show up, and then that plot thread is dropped and never mentioned again. While I don’t need to find out why the city was bombed, I feel like the characters would be asking these questions. Instead they are content to start raping and torturing each other. I would recommend the first 30 minutes of this, after that you can just turn it off, while the acting is great throughout, the plot becomes boring and the violence has no payoff. If I am going to watch mindless violence I want to at least have fun, even some of Kubrick’s strangest films (Eyes Wide Shut) have a point. Great acting but not worth the time or the effort, which is really sad to say. This had a lot of potential and it falls flat, which makes my rating even lower than it would might normally be. Tim Rates This Movie 3/10

“What you need to get is if that dust gets in here, we’re all fucked”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here or add it to your Netflix queue.

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Be Afraid of the Dark

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July 5, 2012

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Growing up in the  early 80′s, almost everyone had access a late night horror movie show hosted by an oddball personality.  For Tim and I, it was Svengoolie out of Chicago.  Eventually these local shows went mainstream and prime time with popular hosts like Joe Bob Briggs and one of the only females in the game, Elvira.  She had two things going for her, and they were out on display in front of her, for all the world to see.  If it’s one thing guys want to see at two in the morning besides Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, it’s boobs; and she delivered.  She became pretty popular in the 80′s which led to this movie.

The movie itself had a very simple plot: boob jokes. That’s it… boob jokes, and unfunny ones at that.  Elvira has just quit her job at a local TV station and proceeds to make a boob joke. She is headed to Vegas to star in her own show, presumably centered around her boobs.  But in order to make this boob show a reality, she needs $30,000, but luckily her aunt just died and left her something.  So she makes her way to an uptight little town in North Carolina to hear the reading of the will.  She gets a spooky house and an old recipe book that turns out to be a spell book, since her aunt was a witch.  Her uncle, the wizard, wants the book for himself… blah, blah blah, boob jokes a plenty, local teens love her crazy antics and her boobs, she is almost burned at the stake, more boob jokes. It really isn’t worth it at this point.  This thing is so awful even writing about it makes us queesy.

Alex’s Thoughts: Honestly… this might be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  Unless you are a desperatly horny 14-year-old boy with no internet acess, there is no way you can get any entertainment out of this shitty thing.  So may bad jokes, corny dialog and even worse acting – the holy trinity of crappy movies.  There isn’t much more I can say about this thing, it is just awful.  Avoid at all costs. Alex Rates This Movie 0/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Okay I am gonna play devil’s advocate here, this is not a good movie, but it’s not unwatchable. There are some OKAY jokes, (most of them about her boobs) but for me I guess there is some nostalgia involved too. I remember watching Elvira host some turds late at night as a kid, but to be fair, if Spud Mckenzie had a movie I would probably go easy on that one too, (despite the fact that it would be filled with Spay/Neuter and Bob Barker jokes.) Okay, now I kinda want to see a Spud Mckenzie movie…. Tim Rates This Movie 5/10

“Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror!”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here, or add it to your Netflix queue

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The Tales of the South

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July 2, 2012

Southland Tales (2006)

This is normally where we would tell you the plot of the movie. We tried to come up with something that made sence, but we couldn’t piece this things together into anything that was even remotely coherent.  There are probably 4 or 5 plot-lines going on in this movie which center around a movie star with amnesia, a new clean energy source, people using said energy source as a drug, a plot to overthrow the government, a flying ice cream truck and world war 3!  There is just way too much going on in this thing.  They try to recap it all in the opening montage, and that might have worked if it was like an hour, but at 5 minutes it just makes thing more confusing.  So we decided to list the many famous actors in this thing, of which many of their parts are a stretch from the previous roles.  So read on and try to keep up…

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson- An amnesic actor named Boxer who is married to the daughter of a politician. He believes himself to be the real life embodiment of “Jericho Cain”, the lead character in a screen play he wrote. He is the catalyst for everything going on in this movie  and seemingly as confused as we are.

Justin Timberlake – A wounded soldier with massive facial scars and a goatee that looks just as gross.  He narrates the movie via bible verses atop a building with a huge sniper rifle overlooking Venice Beach.  He also likes to inject the new fuel source fluid karma and get high and break out into musical numbers.

Eli Roth - Just some random dude who is killed on a toilet.

Sarah Michelle Gellar - A pornstar named Krysta Now who aspires to have her own clothing, perfume, energy drink and handbag lines. She is the girlfriend of Boxer, and advocate for Teen Horniness and had starred in such adult movies as Cock Chuggers 2: Cock Chuggin’.

Cheri Oteri - A tattooed dreadlocked Neo-Marxist with plans to overthrow the government.

John Laraquette - The campaign manager for the hopeful vice president, and an all around d-bag.

Jon Lovitz- A spray-tanned cop with amazing hair, and a penchant for violence and rough sex.

Mandy Moore - The Senator’s daughter and Boxer’s wife who has recently been impregnated by her father’s aide.

Sean William Scott - Playing the dual role of twins, al la Jean Claude van Damme, one of which is a cop and the other is just a loser. Or are they the same person?

Amy Poehler – A famous performance artist who plans on framing Boxer for murder.

Will Sasso - A pimp, a card shark and gun-selling drug dealer with awesome Hawaiian shirts.

Wallace Shawn- The cross-dressing inventor of the energy source fluid karma… inconceivable!

Kevin Smith - The leader of the neo-Marxist movement, who looks exactly like Karl Marx.

Alex’s Thoughts: This plot is just a mess, which you can probably decipher from the characters above.  This movie is part of a larger story that includes three graphic novels and an interactive website.  Maybe with all that material I could figure out what the hell is going on, but with just the movie on its own, you really don’t have a chance.  The acting is fine, and seeing people in atypical roles is fun, but you can’t really enjoy that since you are spending all your time trying to figure out what is happening.  If you are a fan of good acting you might appreciate this, assuming you are also a fan of over production and an excess of political ideals.  Alex Rates This Movie 4/10

Tim’s Thoughts: Yeah, I don’t know what to say, this movie in more capable hands, and with a bit more restraint could probably be really good. Sadly that is not the case, the acting is fine, but the story while ambitious doesn’t work. It’s muddled with social commentary that is so extreme it’s almost parody. Strange as it may sound, Southland Tales may have been better with a lower budget, I think it would have forced the director to be a little more confined, and make him work a little more creatively. Instead we have an inflated overblown story, that is obviously out of control, and is almost too self indulgent to enjoy. I think this is a well shot movie, and I do respect it’s ambition, but it doesn’t work. There are scenes that I think are excellent, but as a whole, this is not very good, and at 3 hours plus it’s a chore to watch. Tim Rates This Movie 3/10

“This is the way the world ends. Not with a whimper, but with a bang”

View the IMDB entry for this movie here, or add it to your Netflix queue

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