Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)
Growing up in the early 80′s, almost everyone had access a late night horror movie show hosted by an oddball personality. For Tim and I, it was Svengoolie out of Chicago. Eventually these local shows went mainstream and prime time with popular hosts like Joe Bob Briggs and one of the only females in the game, Elvira. She had two things going for her, and they were out on display in front of her, for all the world to see. If it’s one thing guys want to see at two in the morning besides Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, it’s boobs; and she delivered. She became pretty popular in the 80′s which led to this movie.
The movie itself had a very simple plot: boob jokes. That’s it… boob jokes, and unfunny ones at that. Elvira has just quit her job at a local TV station and proceeds to make a boob joke. She is headed to Vegas to star in her own show, presumably centered around her boobs. But in order to make this boob show a reality, she needs $30,000, but luckily her aunt just died and left her something. So she makes her way to an uptight little town in North Carolina to hear the reading of the will. She gets a spooky house and an old recipe book that turns out to be a spell book, since her aunt was a witch. Her uncle, the wizard, wants the book for himself… blah, blah blah, boob jokes a plenty, local teens love her crazy antics and her boobs, she is almost burned at the stake, more boob jokes. It really isn’t worth it at this point. This thing is so awful even writing about it makes us queesy.
Alex’s Thoughts: Honestly… this might be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Unless you are a desperatly horny 14-year-old boy with no internet acess, there is no way you can get any entertainment out of this shitty thing. So may bad jokes, corny dialog and even worse acting – the holy trinity of crappy movies. There isn’t much more I can say about this thing, it is just awful. Avoid at all costs. Alex Rates This Movie 0/10
Tim’s Thoughts: Okay I am gonna play devil’s advocate here, this is not a good movie, but it’s not unwatchable. There are some OKAY jokes, (most of them about her boobs) but for me I guess there is some nostalgia involved too. I remember watching Elvira host some turds late at night as a kid, but to be fair, if Spud Mckenzie had a movie I would probably go easy on that one too, (despite the fact that it would be filled with Spay/Neuter and Bob Barker jokes.) Okay, now I kinda want to see a Spud Mckenzie movie…. Tim Rates This Movie 5/10
“Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror!”